Last week, we discussed things we wish we knew sooner, faith edition. This week is about what we wish we knew sooner, life edition!
On my second day of graduate school, I had a professor stand in front of us. He did not say anything, just smiled at us, and his name was written behind him on the whiteboard. Once everyone got settled with their to-go morning beverage orders, the professor began. He asked what we thought of him. The whole class looked at each other, eying each other with the same thought: “Did he seriously ask us that? We’re social work students; we try not to judge or make assumptions.”
The professor challenged us again, encouraging us to say anything. We were free to voice our thoughts. We said a few things, still being respectful. I think the conversation turned into his surname not being Anglicized, so the professor simply asked us where he was from. After a few minutes, he introduced himself fully and then told us a lesson I have not forgotten – People are going to make assumptions about you. Some truths and some false.
At that point, I thought about my own life. Later, I would take one of those privilege tests with my classmates – you know the one, where someone says, “Take a step forward if you have two parents in your home.” Based on how I look and how I grew up paints a story to someone. But the story are just facts, it does not have details. People may think that I am just a white woman who says this, so I must believe in that. But that’s an assumption.
It’s not wrong per se to have assumptions. It happens to the best of us. However, I think we should be mindful about how we are being perceived. One thing I try to do is being intentional and mindful of my words. I try not to say what I believe or support, especially considering my job. But I let my words be firm. One thing I tell my students is my code of confidentiality. They can tell me anything and everything, I won’t say anything. I will talk to them about it and help them process what is going on, but my goal is not to tell them whether it is right or wrong. The only time I would divulge what they told me is if it is a safety concern or I was given permission. In some ways, I carried that confidentiality code in my personal life.
That’s what I do to help myself not to be pre-assumptive and judgmental. I take a step back and focus on listening.
How do I be mindful of the assumptions attached to me?
I have another school story! I once worked in a very diverse district. During a lesson over Martin Luther King Jr, I had a little kid ask me why racism happened. Can you imagine what I did? I froze, then recovered by asking, “That’s a really good question. Why do you think that?” I made the question a student-led question, the students coming up with different ideas about why racism existed. Then I brought it all back together. I forgot exactly what I said but it was something along the lines of, “Those are all really good ideas. It’s a question that many adults are still asking.” Then I said a few answers I heard and reconfirmed, in a question format, with the students, that racism was still wrong.
I answered the question, but in a way where it empowered the student to come up with their own ideas. Then I validated and brought it together to remind all of us that we were one.
Which brings me to my next point – We are one. You can have the same values and beliefs as your best friend but still disagree on the course of action. At my grandfather’s funeral, my father stepped up and said a few words about his father-in-law, “He was a man who could disagree without being disagreeable.” I love that sentence. It described my grandpa so well. On his last Thanksgiving, he brought politics (cue, gasps) and he knew that his political beliefs were different from his children and grandchildren. I was not a part of the conversation, I tend to stay out of politics, but Grandpa had a conversation about it with my father, uncle, and cousin. I remember hearing the aftermath, from my grandpa, and he was just smiling and saying how my cousin had good ideas even though his ideas were different. No mindsets were changed, but no relationships were burned.
Or one day, my grandpa came up to my sister-in-law and said, “I thought about what we talked about during your last visit. I think you were right.”
What I try to do.
I try to be comfortable with the uncomfortable. We are always going to find ourselves in uncomfortable situations. I try to ask questions, let people tell me what they are thinking and take it all in. Asking questions does not mean you give your support, it just means you are creating space. If I disagree with them, I try to respect the other person and listen to what they mean, while giving my own thoughts. I try to control my tone and emotions, being intentional with my words so that I am not misinterpreted.
What is something you’ve wished you knew sooner? Are disagreements hard for you? What about assumptions?
Elizabeth