Do you ever get into arguments with your friends and not know how to resolve them? Or do you try to avoid arguments at all costs, even to the extent of saying things that you don’t believe just to try to keep the peace, all the while becoming bitter and hardened towards your friend? Or do you keep relationships at surface level in hopes of never getting in one of those situations?  

Being in the middle of conflict is a really tough spot to be. We can know that things are not getting better while also not knowing how to fix anything. This is where clear communication and really trying to understand each other becomes more important than ever before. In my experience, conflict is often a result of miscommunication (or lack of communication). Here is an example. Two people are having a conversation about something that can have two or more perspectives. They think that they are understanding each other and in agreement, but all of a sudden, they seem to start talking in different directions and end up in a full on argument about something that they actually agree on. This argument has the potential to end the friendship or cause conflict that may take a while to resolve, all because of a simple miscommunication. How sad is that? 

If one or both people are unwilling to have an honest conversation after the argument in the example above, nothing can ever be resolved. Maybe they both decide to just move on and not talk about it again, but that can still leave a fracture in the friendship. In the future, another argument or conflict may arise and feelings from this previous conflict may come back. These friends may even start seeing patterns in each other that could have changed if they had just communicated and really worked to understand each other to begin with. 

Something that I have learned and noticed over the past several years is that when conflict is the result of something that one person said or did, the offender is often quick to try to brush it under the rug or tell the person who was affected to just get over it and move on. In this example, let’s call the offender Sally and the affected person Lucy. The thing is, it is not up to Sally to tell Lucy when it is time to get over it and move on. When Sally did something that hurt Lucy, Sally was not affected and probably did not think it was a big deal. Sally was only affected when Lucy started acting differently and maybe stopped confiding in her. When Sally sees this change in Lucy, she just wants things to go back to normal. Or maybe Lucy actually tells Sally that what she did was hurtful and wants to talk it through. Sally may think that what she did was no big deal, even though Lucy clearly thinks otherwise. So instead of taking responsibility for her actions and having an honest conversation about it, Sally just tells Lucy to get over it. That only causes more conflict because on top of being hurt, Lucy starts feeling invalidated by her friend.  

Now, let’s change the situation a bit. Sally still does something that hurts Lucy and Lucy starts acting differently with Sally or communicates that she was hurt. In this situation, Sally is concerned about her friend and wants to make things better. This gives them an opportunity to communicate honestly and clearly and Sally sincerely apologizes for what she did. Now instead of causing division in the friendship, this can build trust and understanding for the future. It also shows both Sally and Lucy that they can be honest with each other when they are hurt in the future. 

At this point, with the conflict resolved, Sally and Lucy have the perfect opportunity to set some healthy boundaries in their friendship. They can each decide what their own healthy and reasonable boundaries will be and communicate those to each other. And remember, boundaries are not meant to keep other people out but to keep your own sanity. Also remember that boundaries are not created to dictate how others act, but to plan how you will react when other people say or do certain things. 

I am going to end with a quote from Lysa TerKeurst book, Good Boundaries and Goodbyes. This book has so much good wisdom about friendships and relationships. As we wrap up this friendship series, I would highly recommend this book to anyone who is starting the process or wants to start setting healthy boundaries. I have even been known to give advice from this book to a friend who was struggling with a boundary she had set. Lysa says, “Relationships often die not because of conversations that were had, but rather conversations that were needed but never had.”

Abbi