In a previous post, I used group development theory in relation to forming friendships. I talked about the stage of storming. Conflict is inevitable in friendship. No, that’s not pessimistic talk, it’s just realistic. Even in a solid, 10 year long friendship, there’s going to be conflict. Even in your grandparents’ 60-something marriage, there is still conflict.

Conflict can be a good thing.

Whoa. Back up.

Conflict can be a good thing?

Imagine, you’re working and everyone that you work with is yourself. There’s you in the cubical, you at the front desk, you at the copy machine, you fixing the thermostat, and look there’s you gathering everyone’s coffee order. What is your day going to be like? Probably no disagreements and maybe productive, fairly smooth because Negative Nancy was not there to cripe at you.

But wouldn’t it be boring?

Yes, there would be no disagreements but there would also be no change. There would be no one to challenge you to do something different, to take that risk. It would be supportive, but static.

Now, this is not an invitation to start causing conflict and disagreements. We should strive to live peacefully, but it is okay when conflict arises. It is not the end of the world. What we need to know about conflict is how to handle conflict.

Do you face conflict head on or do you run away?

I run away from conflict. That’s my answer.

I don’t think one course of action is better than the other. Nor is the other worse. If you face it, what does that look like? How do you face it? How is your tone of voice? Are you loud or brash? Are you soft and gentle? Do you accuse the other or say, “I feel…” If you run away, what does that look like? Do you hide and pray/hope it would pass over, try and bury it and push through? Or do you think over it, view it from different angles and then confront the person?

How you handle conflict can vary from person to person. There are healthy ways and unhealthy ways. To resolve conflict, it needs to be a 2-person street. Both persons need to work on intentionally resolving the issue together. If one person is constantly resolving and taking action steps, that person can feel devalued and can feel like there’s an imbalance of power.

Storytime! A few years ago, I received a social media message where a long-distance friend shared her heart and how she was feeling. She told me about what I’ve done and how it made her feel. I apologized and explained my side, she thanked me and told me it made her understand me more. A couple days later, I posted something and she commented with things that felt like she had done everything she had asked me not to do. I looked back on our relationship and realized that this person held all the power. I was asked not to do something and I complied, but here this person was still doing it. I ended up ceasing contact.

I’m not saying to just avoid someone if you feel a sense of power imbalance. If you are a close friend and you feel comfortable, confront them. Talk to them about it and share how you feel. In the instance above, I hardly had a relationship with this person. I did not live in the same city and even when we did, we knew each other through mutual friends. I felt like because of our conversation and for my own mental health, I decided to stay true to my word and chose not to engage with them. I am still on social media with them, but I rarely (if ever) interact with them.

Now, if we had been closer – that would’ve been a different story. That’s the thing with conflict resolutions, you weigh the cost of the friendship. Is this a friendship or relationship that you want to keep or one that you’ll be okay if it fizzles out? How much are you willing to lose?

But let’s say you have a friendship and there’s conflict and you do want to keep it. How do you do it? Well, you know, the Bible talks about conflict resolution. I know, the Bible has everything in it. What doesn’t the Bible have?

I like to think of Matthew 18:15-17 –

“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

What does that mean?

I take it to mean that if you have a conflict with a family or friend, go and tell them and keep it between yourself. Only bring a third person in if that person won’t listen. Be mindful of who you bring too, you do not want the person to feel pressured or interrogated. Imagine how that would make you feel if two people came up to you, telling you what you have done wrong. I think the third person should be impartial, ready to referee and step in when the conversation gets heated. The third person should be upfront in what their role is and that they are only here to mediate.

Conflict resolution does not have to be a scary or intimidating process. It can be a time of reflection and healing. A time where two parties come together and hear what the other has to say, to use your “I feel” statements and hear the other side with thoughtfulness. There’s always two sides of the story and both sides are valid. Both sides can contain factual information, but also have opinions.

I should add that with conflict resolution and going up to the person, one should also consider the safety aspect first. If you feel safe talking to them, then talk to them. If you don’t, it is okay if you don’t talk to them and you end contact or you bring someone along in the beginning. Your safety matters.

Elizabeth