I moved a lot during my growing up years. I can’t tell you how many times I was the new girl without counting. It is hard being the new girl and arriving in a place where you don’t know anyone. Especially in the middle of the school year where friend groups have been established.
I should know how to make friends and yet I don’t know how to.
Friendships, like every relationship – be it romantic or familial, – takes time. It does not happen over time, rather it is a slow progression. There’s going to be hiccups and there’s going to be laughter. There’s going to be growing pains in the start of every new friendship.
There is this theory called Stages of Group Development. It is a theory about how groups developed over time. There are five steps: forming, storming, norming, performing, and adjourning. I appreciate the rhyming. I feel like groups theory can easily translate into making friends.
Forming
Forming is when people come together, often times with shared ideas and goals. There is excitement in their air, yet people are uninformed of issues in the group. The forming stage can also create and define ground rules, as well as test boundaries.
For friendships – It is the getting to know you stage. You are meeting people, learning about each other.
Storming
Storming is the second stage, it is when the group begins to figure out each other and start to gain trust. Group members begin to share their opinions and learn about each other’s working styles. Conflict may arise as roles assigned in the group. Yet, people may be pleasant and positive, while still having negative feelings.
For friendship – Personalities may clash. You are no longer in the honeymoon stage and you are beginning to trust your new friend. So you test the waters, push back on boundaries. See how far you can go. Storming can make or break any group or friendships if you don’t take action and work to resolve the conflict/disagreement.
Norming
Disagreements and conflicts are resolved, creating a closer community. Group members are able to work together, now that they are more aware of how each other works. They accept their co-group members’ personalities difference and aim to work through it. One risk is that group members may not want to start conflict and thus they are hesitant to share ideas that may start a disagreement or fight.
For friendship – You and your new friend have passed the storming stage, you accept each other for their faults, and are hanging out and coffee dates turned into girls’ nights. You feel like you now have a friend and are comfortable with sharing secrets with them. But maybe you are hesitant to share conflicting ideas with them.
Performing
I call this stage working as a well-oiled machine. Everything is smooth and efficient. You know each other’s strengths and weaknesses, you are not afraid to use one another for the common goal. If conflict arises, the group knows how to solve it. There’s a real trust between the group members. The performing stage is the goal for every group to get into.
For friendship – You and your friend [note, the dropping of ‘new’] are that, friends. You call and text each other, you know each other inside and out.
Adjourning
In groups theory, this stage is when the group disbanded. The goal has been reached and now it is time to adjourn. Group members reflect on their experiences and often have mixed emotions, because leaving is hard.
For friendship – To be honest, I am not sure how to relate this to friendship. It is like what I wrote above, it comes with mixed emotions. Endings are hard. No one ever wants to think about the end of any sort of relationship, groups or friendship. I am not saying all friendships come to an end. I have friendships that are over a decade long and I cannot imagine them leaving. We live in different cities and states, but we still talk even when we are not together. When we get together, it is like no time has passed at all. There’s no awkward, “so let’s catch up… here’s a powerpoint.” Perhaps for adjourning in friendships, it can be named as Reflecting. Reflecting while you’re in performing, while you are living your life and they in their life and you remember everything that friendship has/is teaching you and how it has shaped you into the person you are today.
Friends are important. I hope y’all have friends, no matter what stage you are in with them.
Elizabeth