“Where are you going for the holidays?”

”Do you have any plans?”

”Are you going to see family?”

Raise your hands if you have received one of those questions this time of year. They are common questions. Besides Christmas, there are two other major holidays in December (Hanukkah and Kwanzaa) and all three are about being together and remembrance. It is natural to get together with family during holidays and to ask those questions. Those questions become the new “how are you” during this season.

But do you ever feel lonely or ashamed of your answer? Do you feel the need to “frill up” your response?

What if a person is single or has recently gotten out of a relationship, so they are heading to Christmas dinner with dread? Just knowing that noisy Aunt Gertie will ask “So are you dating someone” or mom commenting about grandbabies.

What if a person lost someone important to them? They are heading to Christmas dinner with dread and trying not to think about that empty plate set. They are trying also not to think about the missing laughter.

What if the person does not have any plans? What if they are having Christmas dinner for one and it is just them with a TV dinner and movie?

Loneliness is real and loneliness is real during the holidays.

And I bet everyone has been lonely – both singles and couples.

I’ll be personal here. I have plans for Christmas, as I usually do. Usually, my immediate family gets together for one day and we read the Christmas story, open gifts, eat good food, and spend time with each other. However, I did not have plans for Thanksgiving. For the past three years I used to go down and celebrate with my grandmother, but she passed away back in June. In fact, she passed away two days before we started this blog. Earlier in November, I put down my cat of 15 years. A week before Thanksgiving, I felt incredibly lonely because I had no plans and was in grief. I ended up celebrating Thanksgiving with my brother’s family.

When my cat died, I felt lonely. I remember standing in the vet’s office, petting my cat who struggled to stand and looked at me with those big turquoise eyes. The vet was talking about medications and the next steps, I remember wanting my mom with me or someone. Whether it was a boyfriend or a roommate or my mom. Instead, it was me. I was alone. I was lonely. Alone and lonely.

I hate to admit it, but I didn’t feel God with me. You always hear those stories of people who are afraid and lonely, but they would say, “BUT I was not alone. I had God and I felt his strength and I knew what to do.”

That’s great for them, but for me, that was not true.

I felt alone when I told the vet I didn’t have a choice and to go ahead and euthanize my childhood cat. I felt alone when I spoke to my cat, fighting back tears as they administered the shot. I felt alone when it was just me and a dead cat in the office.

But hindsight is always 20/20.

Looking back, I realized God was with me. I was numb, unable to feel anything or see what was around me – just my cat and his sickness. But looking back, I saw the gentleness of the vet explaining to me what he was about to do. I saw the consoling smile when he gave me his condolences. I saw the way he told me that he would have made the same decision.

That’s the thing with loneliness. You don’t just feel alone, but you feel despair and terrified. I am okay with being alone, but loneliness I don’t like. But when you look back, you see God’s gracious hand.

It reminds me of a Bible story, of the very first Christmas to be exact. In the beginning of Luke, it details how a young woman, engaged to be wed, had found favor with the Lord and was carrying the Son of Man (Jesus). Her fiancé Joseph was a respectable and good man and planned to quietly separate Mary so as not to tarnish her name, believing that Mary had cheated on him until the angel of the Lord met Joseph and told him that Mary was indeed pregnant with God’s Son. So Joseph continued with the plan to marry Mary and the two set off to Bethlehem for the upcoming census together. There in Bethlehem, it was time for Mary to give birth and she gave birth to a boy just like the angel had said and named him Jesus just as the angel had said. Shepherds came from their fields to meet the newborn King and perhaps more people too. People must have told Mary blessings and praises. For in Luke 2:19, it was said: But Mary was treasured up all these things and pondered them in her hearts.

I love that word – ponder. Ponder means to think carefully, to reflect on something. Pondering is mulling over something before concluding. There’s a song Mary, Did You Know that asks Mary if she knew that the baby boy that she delivered would one day deliver her. It asked if she knew her baby boy would do miracles. I don’t know if Mary knew the specific miracles of Jesus, but I do know she knew who Jesus was. Because an angel told her that she was pregnant with the Son of Man.

But I wonder how often Mary pondered about those treasured thoughts. I wonder how lonely Mary felt watching Jesus grow up, knowing that one day he’ll do something where she cannot help. I wonder if she was ever in the marketplace and overheard someone say, “Did you hear about Joseph’s kid Jesus? He’s going around with 12 friends saying he’s God’s son.” I wonder if she ever walked away, hand on her mouth as her heart thumped. Or what about on Calvary Hill, watching her son be crucified. Surely that broke her mother’s heart, I wondered if she felt numb. I wonder if she placed a hand on her heart, closed her eyes, and unearthed those treasured thoughts. I wonder if those treasured thoughts brought her a sense of comfort and a reminder that God was with her.

If you are feeling lonely this season, first, I am so sorry. I wish I could hug you so tightly and then take you to a coffee shop. I am not going to give you those platitudes about how God is with you and it’s a season and you’ll be okay. But I will be with you and I will listen to you.

Since I am not able to take you out, ask a friend or a trusted mentor if you can hang out. Tell them how you feel. Go grab coffee with them or drive around and look at Christmas lights with them (just bring hot chocolate in a thermos – Whew, I fit hot cocoa in here, ha ha). But like Mary, ponder that special time in your heart, store them securely in your heart, and when you are feeling lonely, unearth those moments.

Lastly, know you may feel lonely, but you are not alone. I love you.

Elizabeth