I think sometimes I can be a fearful person.

Not in the way of I won’t do something new or take a risk. I am willing to try new experience and try new foods. But in some areas, I let fear hold me back.

I don’t like confrontations. In fact, I avoid them if I can. If I fear that I am about to say something that might spark dissension, I change the subject or I go silent. Especially if the person is someone I greatly respect and/or love. I don’t want to do anything that could damage my relationship with them. But living in fear does a great disservice to us.

Living in fear changes the balance of that relationship. You are now the one catering to the other’s needs and feelings and the other person might not know how you actually feel about a certain topic. You feel like you have to walk around eggshells or vent to God in your car about what that person said to you. When the simple solution could have been you tell the other person how you feel and have a conversation. If someone truly is a friend of yours, wouldn’t they want to know how you feel on a subject? A friendship goes both ways.

We should be able to disagree without being disagreeable.

But how?

Let me introduce my grandpa to you. He was a man who seemingly had no fear. He could also talk to anyone and find a connection with them. During our last Thanksgiving, two things happened. He brought up politics and his politics were different from the rest of the family. He knew this too. But he still brought up politics and engaged with the family members who joined in (I did not, I probably talked about crafts or genealogy with my grandmother instead). Later, he was talking with my father and my father disagreed with something that Grandpa had done. Then my parents left to go home and I stayed an extra day. The next morning at breakfast, Grandpa nonchalantly was talking about what my father had said and it was, “I understand what he [my dad] meant, but the reason why I don’t agree is this.” I was surprised at how Grandpa handled it. I don’t think Grandpa said it to score brownie points from his granddaughter. I think he truly reflected on what his son-in-law thought and even though, he still disagreed he still thought highly of his son-in-law. The same thing happened with my sister-in-law, he came up to her one day and said, “I thought about what we last talked about. I think you might be right.”

Grandpa was not afraid to start conversation that might end in disagreement. Nor was he afraid to challenge his own thinking. He, also, wasn’t afraid to live life.

Next year, I am going to be the big three-oh. Thirty. I have told people that’s my goal in life. To make it to thirty. That is my goal because on Grandpa’s 90^th birthday, I looked up to him (six feet tall guy, I’m 5’3. I looked up to him in all senses) and asked, “So 90. How does it feel?” Expecting this big answer, he just smiled and said, “I didn’t think I’ll make to thirty.”

Twenty-four years old Elizabeth did not quite understand him. But now with time, I understand more. He did not fear death. In fact, he spoke of death so freely. He took every risk that came across his path. He took every opportunity like when he took my mother and her sisters to Disneyland, it was all because they were going to New Mexico and he told my grandmother, “You know, Disneyland is not far away.” I mean, it was only three states away. He had never met a stranger; some days I don’t think he knew what “stranger” meant. He loved life and enjoyed life.

So, when I say my goal is to make it to thirty. I am really saying is I don’t want to have regrets. I want to enjoy it. I want to tell my granddaughter that I can’t believe I made it to 90, that I was only expecting 30 years on this earth. I want to take in every second that God has given me and use it for his glory.

Little by little, I am realizing I have been less fearful in my life. Perhaps my first sentence was a bit self-depreciating. I have been able to set firmer boundaries with people and share what my opinions are without fear of backlash. I even have emailed my pastors and given them my thoughts or concerns. Sometimes I need a little reminder, a push to do something. But in the end, I realized when I do take that leap of courage, I feel… calmer.

So as a good PK, here are three applications to live a life without fear.

1. Set firm boundaries.
2. Remember a relationship goes both ways, you don’t always have to do all the pushing. They should also pull.
3. Most importantly, pray to God before you share your thoughts. Whenever I compose an email, I am constantly praying to God and rereading it. I want to be respectful to my pastors and not come off as whining or belligerent. I want them to know that I still respect and love them, but my thoughts differ, and I would like to have more clarification. My goal is to always start a conversation, not to end them.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

Elizabeth