Is it possible to be bold and assertive while also being gentle? Being meek, humble, and gentle is really hard for me in certain situations and a little too easy in others. When it’s time to speak up about something important to me or put myself out there for a job or relationship, I can suddenly be frozen and quiet. I tend to take on the shy smile and super quiet voice of someone who’d give anything not to be heard and that’s not me. When I’m in the airport or crossing the street and someone tries to help me because I’m blind, I let them grab my shoulders and jerk me around even though I want to yell them into next week. If I need a ride somewhere I hate to ask people around me because I don’t want to be a burden and I’d much rather, do it myself, which happens to be close to impossible living outside of a small town. When someone talks to me about things going on in their lives, I can be blunt and matter of fact instead of giving a patient gentle answer. Sometimes I can be too soft when someone really needs to hear the truth. I don’t know about you, but all this makes me tired.
I did a quick Bible search for the word gentleness to see what advice God has for the mouthy people like me who always seem to be saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. Ok, maybe that’s a little dramatic. Maybe for the people who care about relationships with people but don’t always know how or when to be gentle.
I love reading Paul’s letters. He was a prisoner for Christ who proclaimed Jesus even when it put him in chains. He was courageous with his preaching and even bluntly spoke the truth when people needed to hear it. That doesn’t sound like a guy familiar with gentleness, but even Paul says in Ephesians 4:1-3,
“I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”
God has called us each to something based on the gifts He has given us and the plan He has for our lives. Also, once God saves us, he has chosen us, and we have accepted the gift of His grace. Paul is saying we should walk worthy of that calling. Once we are saved by grace we’re not living in our own patterns and ways anymore; we have been changed. We should walk, act, and speak in a way that reflects that change.
That also changes the way we interact with others, in the body of Christ and also out in the wild. Paul reminds us that we should be eager to maintain the unity of the bond we all share in the Spirit, and we should do that with the bond of peace. In other words, even if the words we say have to be sharp, clear, and true our aim should always be peace.
Sometimes when I’m angry with someone I feel all stirred up and I want to stir them up too, but Paul says that our desire and goal should be a bond of peace. Wow! Does that help us with our idea of how and when to be gentle? First and foremost, we should be seeking peace.
The second thing I notice in that verse is what Paul says toward the beginning about bearing with one another in love. We’ve already talked all about love in our first fruits of the Spirit posts, but one thing we know about love is that it’s patient and kind. It doesn’t hold grudges or remember the wrongs of others. Most importantly, love is not selfish. I think 1 Corinthians 13 can give us a lot of good clues about how to be gentle even though it’s about love.
One big thing that helps me with gentleness is empathy. I remember some of the hardest times in my life and I think about what I needed.
At 15, I had no friends, and I would always sit alone in youth group. I felt like no one cared about me and I thought about suicide more than once. At 17, I was dating a guy who ended up abusing me and being really unhealthy for me. In my early twenties, I was straying even further away from God, having sex even though God continually convicted me and falling deeper and deeper into depression. In those times I needed a friend to spend time with me, and mentors to meet me exactly where I was and talk to me about the harm my sin was doing and the impact it would have on my faith in God.
Sure, it might seem gentle enough to say,
“You do you sis,” and let me continue down the path I was on. Would that be what’s best for me? I think about that as I’m approaching conversations with friends or other young women in similar situations. An alternative approach would be to speak the truth about where my choices would lead while also being gentle in your tone and loving in your actions. Those are just a few examples from my life where gentleness could be taken multiple ways. In dealing with others, you might come to a similar situation where someone is asking for your advice, or you’re talking to someone close to you. How could you approach them with both truth and gentleness?
Maybe it’s less serious than the situation I just gave you. Someone in your family is making you angry. In my family, we are really good at yelling. Lately I’ve been thinking of what to do when one of those repeat offenders makes me angry… again! Instead of yelling I could try having a conversation or maybe I need to walk away altogether if they’re not going to listen to me in that moment.
What if I’m in a relationship with a guy who’s doing something I’m not comfortable with? Depending on what it is, you might need to speak up and communicate so you both can be on the same page. Maybe in that moment gentleness looks like,
“Hey, I need you to know that I feel uncomfortable when you—.”
In any situation, the most important thing to know about gentleness is that the Holy spirit is our Spirit of gentleness. He is our source of gentleness and our guide for how to use it in every situation. That’s the good news, all the fruits of the spirit are given generously and once we are saved, we learn how to use them in God’s perfect wisdom.
Katelyn