But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23 

When I think of kindness, I usually think of the earthly definition, which is the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate. In that sense, it can sometimes be easy to compromise our values or allow people to walk all over us in the name of being kind. The way that kindness is talked about in the Bible, however, gives us a different perspective (as the Bible does with most things). It talks about love as being selfless, compassionate, and merciful. The Bible tells us to be kind even to our enemies and that is a foreign concept to anyone who has ever lived on earth. Romans 12:20 says, “To the contrary, ‘if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.’” That verse seems pretty self explanatory, right? It seems to be saying that by being kind, you are getting back at your enemy for whatever they may have done to you, right? “Heaping burning coals on someone’s head” is great payback, right? Wrong! That is exactly NOT what it means! If that was what this verse meant, it would be very out of context as it is surrounded by verses saying that we are supposed to not take vengeance and that we are not supposed to return evil for evil but instead overcome evil with good. Why would the Bible say to not take vengeance but then also say to heap coals on someone’s head? 

Many years ago, my mom and I looked up what it meant to heap burning coals on someone’s head in the biblical context and it is actually a super helpful thing to do for someone else. The explanation that we found is that in those days, having a fire constantly burning in every home was essential. So if someone’s fire went out in their home, they would walk around town with some type of container on their head, asking for burning coals to restart it. So, in heaping burning coals on someone’s head, it helped them restart the fire that they needed to have burning in their home. That was such a kind and merciful thing to do for a neighbor, and that is what God wants us to do for our enemies as well. Can you think of a time when you had the opportunity to be kind to someone who you do not like? Did you do it? If so, how did that feel? It can be so hard to imagine being kind to someone who may be mean to us or ignore us, but as I keep saying, most things that God calls us to do are not easy. 

Another verse that comes to my mind on the topic of kindness is Ephesians 4:32, which says, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” This can be so hard to do; with forgiveness comes humility and compassion. We can be so quick to hold grievances against people who do something against us or people we just do not like in general. However, when we forgive, we not only show kindness, but we are doing what God has commanded and has done for us, even when we constantly want to run away and sin against Him. 

So if we are to be selfless and compassionate towards others, but not let them walk all over us, how are we supposed to act and interact with others? That is the hard part and something that I have been trying to figure out. One of the most important tools I have started learning more about and using is setting boundaries. That word gets thrown around and most people do not know the true meaning of it, but when you truly understand what boundaries are and learn when and how to communicate them, they can be so helpful in being kind without becoming doormats. Boundaries are not meant to be directed at others or control their behavior. Sometimes they are directed at other people, like asking someone to not call you a name you don’t like being called or asking them to not look over your shoulder when you are texting someone or writing an email, but those boundaries are two ways because they also give us the opportunity to decide how we will react when people continue to do the things we already asked them not to do. Most boundaries, though, are only self directed and basically act as guidelines for ourselves on how we will react when someone says, asks, or does certain things. 

One example of this in my life that I have been working on recently is when someone asks me to hang out and then asks what I want to do or when I am available. For some reason, that drives me up the wall. If someone wants to hang out, I think that the respectful and considerate thing would be for them to decide what they want to do before offering an invitation. They may think that they are being kind by letting me decide what I want to do, but that usually leads to a lot of unnecessary back and forth and ultimately decision fatigue for me as I am left to make the final decision. I have started working on this by offering a couple suggestions and clearly telling the other person that the decision is up to them and have even a couple times asked for them to just let me know what they decide to do. In cases like this, it is not always necessary to say what your boundary is but instead just act on it. If you are not used to setting boundaries, it will take some time to feel comfortable using them properly, but it will be so worth it in the long run.  

What are some ways you can be kind to others without becoming a doormat? What boundaries can you set up in your own life to avoid or have better responses in situations you don’t like? 

Abbi